By: Erica Ferraro
Let me give you a glimpse into an encounter I had with someone when going through IVF treatments. This person, although they did not mean malice, clearly missed the empathy and commonsense memo. Which, unfortunately, is quite commonplace when discussing fertility struggles amongst those who have not walked our path. In the middle of one of my IVF cycles, I attended a baby shower (of all things). As I was pouring my heart out about the struggles of IVF treatments to the women at my table, one of the ladies decided to chime in with, “You know, I’ve heard stories of people who stopped trying or went on vacation, and bam! They got pregnant. Maybe you should give that a shot?” I swear, I almost choked on my drink right then and there.
Let’s take a little step back, shall we? It is time we educate ourselves on why that is one of the most ignorant, harmful, and downright cruel things you can say to someone who is battling infertility. Infertility is not some mind game you can play to become magically fertile. Trust me, if it were that simple, we would not have an entire industry dedicated to infertility, and Planned Parenthood wouldn’t be in the spotlight, fighting for reproductive rights. I guess common sense is not so common after all.
INFERTILITY IS A MEDICAL DIAGNOSIS, NOT A MINDSET.
Infertility is a medical condition defined as the inability to conceive after a year or more of unprotected sex. And if you happen to be 35 or older, that time frame gets even shorter—six months or more. Would you tell a diabetic patient to stop thinking about sugar and hope their insulin needs magically disappear? Or how about telling someone undergoing cancer treatments to forget about their cancer and watch it vanish? Seriously, think about it. Those statements sound ridiculous, don’t they? So why do we tell infertile couples to do the same?
And since the ASRM updated the definition of infertility in 2023 to be more inclusive of unpartnered individuals and same-sex couples, those impacted by infertility are truly a broad and diverse group of people.
I have a theory: it is because our society does not see infertility as a legitimate medical condition, even though it is. We do not view IVF patients as “patients” in the same way we see someone visibly sick, fighting for their life. But let me tell you, infertility is a medical diagnosis, often fueled by underlying diseases like endo, PCOS, and adeno or genetic issues like an unbalanced translocation. Just because you cannot see it and it is not immediately life-threatening does not mean it is not life-altering. Many other medical conditions aren’t necessarily life-threatening but still have a significant impact. I am talking about conditions like Crohn’s disease, Alzheimer’s, dementia, ADHD, rheumatoid arthritis—you get the picture.
For many adults, it is a natural, instinctual desire to have a baby and build a family. It is just as normal as the desire for companionship, friendship, health, success, etc. For those of us desperately yearning for a baby, it is not as simple as flipping a switch. And here is the kicker: our education system fails us when it comes to teaching children about their bodies and the potential health conditions that could affect future fertility. We are so focused on preventing teenage pregnancies that we neglect to talk about the struggles many adults face in conceiving; if the knowledge around common fertility conditions was shared earlier and more broadly, young adults could seek medical help and have more options for fertility preservation. At a minimum, we would not be appalled to learn that we (or our partner) is infertile because, well, we would have known from a young age that the possibility exists and it is common enough to pay attention to abnormal symptoms like skipped or painful periods. It is a seriously messed up dynamic.
The lack of balance between teaching kids about their bodies and common health conditions versus solely focusing on preventing pregnancy is detrimental to future generations. These are the very same people who are shocked when they find themselves facing infertility. It is not uncommon, it is not anyone’s fault, and it is a valid, life-altering disease that will forever shape a person’s future. And let’s not forget the added joys of hormone therapies, weight gain, hair loss, bone density issues, depression, PTSD, and anxiety—all while draining a bank account. Yeah, so much for taking a vacation and forgetting about it, huh?
Now, do not get me wrong, I like to believe that those who make insensitive comments to infertile couples, like the infamous “just relax” remark, do so out of ignorance rather than malice. So, whenever I hear something like that, I try my best to respond with love and education, hoping that maybe, just maybe, the next person they encounter will not have to endure the same thoughtless commentary.
If you have ever told someone to stop “thinking about having a baby,” do not beat yourself up too much. You likely have not experienced the struggle firsthand. But here is the thing: we must do better as a society. We need to normalize conversations around infertility, just like we do with other common diseases. We need to ensure that patients do not shoulder the blame for their diagnosis. Infertility is not a mindset, and suggesting that someone should “think differently” about it only places unwarranted blame on the person facing the battle. That’s just not fair or accurate. I promise you, you are not not getting pregnant because you are “stressed” – lots of women around the world are stressed for various reasons and can quickly get and stay pregnant. So please, take that blame off your shoulders.
Does this mean that some couples try ARTs to conceive, face disappointment, then go on a random vacation and miraculously get pregnant? Sure, it happens. I have heard those stories, too. But it is not about their mindset or the fruity cocktails they consumed—it is more about the culmination of medications, protocols, supplements, timed intercourse, and dumb luck. Those lucky individuals are the exception, not the rule.
So, if you have received an infertility diagnosis from a medical professional, do yourself a favor and let go of the guilt that tends to accompany it. It is not your fault, and however you are mentally processing the trauma of your diagnosis, you are doing an incredible job.
Moving Mountains For Motherhood 