So You Need To Use an Egg Donor? How Not to Spiral, Panic, or Jump off a Cliff, By Someone Who Has Contemplated Cliff Jumping, Among Other Things.

By: Erica Ferraro

Wait…What? We have to use WHAT? What in the world is an egg donor? NO WAY! OH MY GOD, this means I’ll never have my children. Are you suggesting that I carry another woman’s baby with my husband’s sperm? Are you out of your mind? But I am only 30 years old…everyone I know has no trouble having their genetic children. Why should I face this? I thought IVF was my savior, the solution to all of my struggles! But now, does that mean I won’t be a proper mother? This can’t be happening. Why me? Are my genetics not worthy enough to be passed on? Will my partner resent me for this? Will my baby hate me? Is my life shattered and done for? Is there any hope left? Should I throw myself off the nearest cliff?

Hi. I am 30 years old, preparing for my first Donor Egg IVF cycle, and I have had every single thought above, and then some, over the last four or so months that I have been accepting and preparing to (hopefully!) become a donor egg mama. The need for my husband and I to use donor eggs became abundantly clear once I did a few rounds of unsuccessful egg retrieval and couldn’t make a single embryo. With endometriosis and a diminished ovarian reserve, I understood that natural conception was unlikely, but wasn’t IVF supposed to fix all of that? Well, sure, if you have quality eggs and sperm, which, in our case, my eggs are essentially fried from a 19-year battle with undiagnosed endometriosis. Once you are at the point in your journey where the use of donor eggs becomes your reality, you likely will have many of the thoughts and feelings I had. I have learned that these are primarily founded on fear and a lack of education, and they are normal! No one teaches you this stuff. Every time I tell someone that we will be using an egg donor to conceive our child, I am met with wide-eyed confusion (wait, how does that work?) and, usually, a ton of interest and follow-up questions. Why? Because this path to parenthood is unique, not routinely discussed, and kind of sci-fi cool when you think about it. So far, that has been my reality in sharing with others. The more people who know about my medical issues and struggles to conceive, the more amazed, curious, and willing they are to learn.

This is why we have chosen to embrace our story, share it proudly, and help others come to terms with this path in the best way I know how: being boldly unapologetic for how our family is coming together and encouraging you to do the same. However, the ability to do this has taken me months of processing, therapy, support groups, and hard work, so please give yourself grace and time to process this path and decide what is best for you and your family, on your timeline.

I have coped, accepted, and now celebrate this unique and beautiful path to motherhood by reframing my thoughts. Reframing thoughts is when you actively recognize an intrusive, untrue, or lousy thought and consciously think about it more constructively and happily. Many intrusive thoughts will come and may never entirely disappear, but we have the power and strength to reframe them for ourselves, our future children, and others around us.

Here is how I have re-framed egg donor conception, which has helped me heal and make peace with my unique journey.

The 10 Commandments of Reframing Egg Donor Conception

1. Genetics Aren’t Everything

Genetics alone will never define the essence of motherhood, parenthood, or family. The strong bond between a parent and child depends not solely on genetics. It is a profound truth that choosing our friends is more straightforward than choosing our family. Sometimes, we feel compelled to maintain unhealthy relationships based solely on genetics, when in reality, t is the emotional connection and healthy attachment that genuinely matter. Genetics may determine physical appearance, health, and ethnicity, but they do not determine the strength of the relationship between you and your mother or between you and your siblings. We have witnessed countless examples of genetic children estranged from their families, genetic siblings harboring disdain for one another, and, unfortunately, genetic parents being abusive. Therefore, genetics alone cannot create a strong family bond, a nurturing and loving home, or a healthy attachment style. These aspects depend on you as an individual, as the mother you are destined to be, and how you will love, nurture, and raise your child. Whether genetic or not, all mothers can choose the kind of mother-child relationship they want to cultivate, and genetics play no part in that.

2. Egg Donation is Similar to Organ Donation

Let’s think about egg donation and organ donation, because they are, in many ways, comparable. Just as you wouldn’t expect anything more than an organ from an anonymous liver donor, egg donors are not trying to become the mother of your child. They selflessly donate their DNA so that you can experience the joys of motherhood. Often, these donors already have children of their own, and egg donation is a way for them to give back, earn some compensation, and perform a noble act. You are the real mother – growing, birthing, raising, nurturing, and loving your baby. Technically speaking, you are the biological and birth mother. The genetic donor may have provided one unfertilized cell as a precious gift, but it was your intention, alongside your partner, to bring that egg to life. Your love and desire to become parents made that baby a reality. Egg donation is organ donation, and that is how we explain it to those who have questions. 

3. Nature Vs. Nurture (Epigenetics)

Epigenetics, the study of how nurture influences a person’s personality, values, and individual interests, sheds light on the importance of environment versus nature. You could place the same baby in two different families, and they would grow into unique individuals. That’s because each family imparts its values, traditions, and mindsets to their children. There is also substantial evidence demonstrating how the birth mother influences the activation and deactivation of specific genes while the baby is in the womb. Therefore, when considering egg donation, think of it as creating a baby resulting from three individuals rather than just two. Using an egg donor does not diminish your involvement; it adds another connection layer.

4. Your Bond Will Be Stronger Than You Think

I recently spoke with a friend who delivers babies, and she shared her observations about egg donor moms. Contrary to their fears, she noticed that these mothers often form an even stronger initial bond with their babies. She believes this may be because of their intense struggle to have a child. Once they have their baby in their arms, they realize the true miracle of growing life in their womb. This miracle likely wouldn’t have been possible without the intervention of science and the generosity of the donor. The experience becomes a profound journey filled with love, sacrifice, generosity, and strength, unique to mothers who have used egg donation.

5. Say it Loud, Say it Proud

Conception versus deception: A common thread emerged in my conversations with donor egg mothers and donor-conceived individuals. It is not the act of conception that causes harm; It is the deception surrounding the conception that can be damaging. As long as children know the truth about how they were conceived and you foster pride in their origin, you can help your child avoid the feeling of being deceived or experiencing an identity crisis if they were to discover it later in life. Honesty from an early age and normalizing the concept of donor conception within your family is considered the best approach. For instance, you can explain to your child that they were deeply wanted and loved and that you went to great lengths to bring them into your lives. Many wonderful children’s books are available to help explain donor conception in a loving and age-appropriate manner.  My husband and I even started a Gmail account for our future baby, documenting our journey, including the highs and lows, educating them, and sharing everything we have been through. When they are old enough to understand, they can read our words and gain a deeper appreciation for the struggle and determination that brought them into our lives.

6. Love is Ultimately What Matters

Children who are wanted, loved, and nurtured are always in a better position for a happy and healthy future than those who are unwanted or mistreated. Once again, genetics play no role in determining this outcome.

7. Many of Us Have Strong Bonds with Our Pets *who are not genetically related to us*

I love my dog like my child, yet she is not genetically related to me. Our bond transcends species, language, and genetics.

8. Control What You Can Control

You have one life to live, and there are certain things we cannot change. You have two choices: to live in anger and fear or to reframe and accept your circumstances. I will be the first to acknowledge that grieving the loss of your genetics is a natural and valid process. Unfortunately, there aren’t many resources or examples of how to grieve for oneself. However, once you allow yourself to grieve, wallow, and contemplate the darkest thoughts, you can start to rebuild, heal, educate, raise awareness, and become the mother you were always meant to be. You may even become a better mother because of the struggles you’ve overcome.

9. Learn from Those Who Did Not Have Strong Bonds with Genetic Parents

My father recently told me something profound: “This baby will have your husband’s genetic makeup but will be loved by both of you. They will never know anything different. They will only know you as their true mother. They may have questions, explore, or inquire, but no child raised in a loving home ever wished to be the child of someone else.” My father was raised in a single-mother home and never had much love, involvement, or attention from his genetic father, even though he lived nearby. My dad has always told me that he would have preferred a nongenetic dad, who showed him love and came to his baseball games, over a genetic father who abandoned him, any day.

10. You Cannot Control What Your Child Will Look Like

Genetics are beyond our control, even in typical circumstances. We cannot guarantee how our child will look, even if we were to use our eggs. Fantasizing about what a “love child” between us and our spouses could have looked like is just a fantasy because we have no control over how genes express themselves. Regardless, our children share our hearts, which is what truly matters.

Embarking on a donor conception journey, whether with an anonymous or known donor, will be an extraordinary experience. It is natural to have moments of doubt and to face challenging questions. But let’s be honest, isn’t every path to parenthood adorned with these elements? While there may be additional complexities, remember that you are embarking on this journey with your miracle baby. This precious life wouldn’t exist without your boundless love and unwavering intention. Let’s not forget our spouses; they are also here with us, alongside us, and part of this magical experience, contributing half of the genetics to the equation, so thank you!

To those feeling weak, scared, and hopeless as they read these words, please know that these emotions are part of the human experience. It is normal to grapple with them along your unique journey. But always remember that the soul meant to find you will see you. And in the grand tapestry of life, the vessel through which that soul arrives holds far less significance than the love and connection you will share.

So, take heart and find strength within yourself. Embrace the beautiful and unconventional path that has brought you here. Trust that you can overcome challenges and create a remarkable story of love, resilience, and the unbreakable bond between parent and child. Your journey may be different, but it is no less extraordinary.