The 10 Things I Know to be Absolutely Certain About Infertility

By: Erica Ferraro

But I don’t want to go among mad people,” Alice remarked. “Oh, you can’t help that,” said the Cat: “we’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad.”

Alice in Wonderland

Are you feeling the flames of frustration burning within? Feeling a bit…. MAD? In the midst of the uncertainty that defines all infertility journeys, let me present to you a collection of ten certainties—anchors in a sea of doubt.

1. Nothing you did, didn’t do, or are currently doing will wield a monumental impact on your outcome. Your infertility situation bears no blame, for 99.9% of it lies beyond your control. Remember, infertility is a medical diagnosis.
2. Infertility is not contagious. Your friend’s triumphs or failures in this realm hold no impact over your own fate. Everyone is different, try not to compare.
3. According to the World Health Organization, a staggering 1 in 6 couples encounters the challenges of infertility. You are far from alone. Countless others have faced or are currently enduring the hidden struggles of infertility, though they may not own or share their truth as openly as you do. So cast aside any illusions propagated by the picture-perfect pregnancy announcements, family portraits, and incessant stream of baby-centric content invading your feed.
4. Brace yourself for a whirlwind of emotions that will sweep you away on a tempestuous journey. There is no singular path to navigate this undoubtedly arduous chapter of your life. Embrace the duality within yourself; feeling in control and content one day, then spiraling on the floor the next—both experiences are normal.
5. Enter the enigmatic realm of infertility, where understanding is as a rare gem reserved for those who have walked this perilous path. Oh, how elusive it is for those fortunate souls untouched by this tumultuous journey! Sympathy may dance at their fingertips, but true empathy remains an enigma beyond their grasp—a distinction so profound that it sets worlds apart. Here, lies the secret to preserving your heart from the snares of disappointment: shun expectations like the shades of night. Embrace this wisdom, and you shall emerge stronger, navigating the intricacies of this labyrinthine experience with a heart unburdened by the weight of unfulfilled hopes.
6. However, should you encounter a fellow traveler who has tasted the bitterness of infertility, embrace them. Forge connections, intertwine your stories, and bond with those who can genuinely empathize with the hardships you endure. The most exasperating aspect of this journey is the sense of isolation, feeling that no one truly understands the magnitude of your struggle in this season of your life. But fear not, dear warrior, your infertility sisters are here. They are you, and you are one. If you seek inspiration on the importance of supporting others in this resilient community, I implore you to read my article: “Hug Your Infertility Sisters, Literally.”
7. Unveiling the disheartening truth: infertility clinics are profit-driven entities. Their ultimate objective lies in both making money and aiding you in fulfilling your dreams of building a family. Alas, they might not share your urgency regarding timelines. Instead, their financial interests align with prolonging the journey. This is precisely why active involvement in your treatment is of paramount importance. Educate yourself, seek solace in conversation with others, and attend doctor’s appointments armed with insightful questions. Dare to seek second opinions and present data you have discovered to your reproductive endocrinologist. This is your life, your health, and your finances—assert your right to question, comment, and actively participate in your treatment plan.
8. Let us shatter the illusion that IVF is the “catch all” for infertility—it is not. Its efficacy varies greatly depending on numerous factors such as age, lifestyle, and medical condition. Familiarize yourself with the success rate corresponding to your unique diagnosis, empowering you to make informed decisions alongside your doctor.
9. Brace yourself, for infertility will bring about change within your relationships. Some connections may wither under the weight of your hardship, as individuals struggle to connect and recoil from discomfort. Some may be blind to their own privilege, not comprehending the challenges you face. However, do not despair, for others will be profoundly moved and inspired by your unwavering strength, determination, and resilience. Their respect for you will reach new heights. Be grateful for those who stand beside you, and also for those who drift away. Sometimes, it takes a catastrophic life event to unveil who is truly meant to be a permanent presence in your life.
10. Madness shall embrace you, my dear, but take solace in the words of our whimsical friend, the Mad Hatter from Alice in Wonderland: “If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn’t. And contrarywise, what is, it wouldn’t be.” Some aspects of life defy reason, yet perhaps they need not conform to our expectations. Infertility, though undeniably unjust, forms a profound and unique bond among warriors like us—a bond transcending age, medical diagnoses, nationality, religion, and socioeconomic status. Not everyone can lay claim to such a profoundly unique experience. So, my dear, even if it deviates from your imagined path, find solace in the beauty of being part of a community united by determination, resilience, empathy, strength, and love.

Lastly, I leave you with this sentiment: what is meant to be will be. The soul destined to find you will do so, in whatever form, shape, or manner. You will become the mother of your dreams, and this predicament will resolve itself, one way or another. Each step you take propels you closer to the path that destiny has woven for you. All the hardships and pain you endure serve as preparation for the extraordinary journey of motherhood—a path unattainable without the level of intention, difficulty, and purpose you embody. Besides, what’s greatness without a little madness?