How to Not Intentionally Be a Jerk and Support Your Infertile Friends

By: Erica Ferraro

Usually I direct my articles towards my IVF sisters who are currently in their own infertility battle but today, this sentiment is for our well-intentioned friends and family members who need a little help in the sensitivity department. I will preface this by saying that I believe 99% of the time, loved ones really do mean well, they just do not have the context and capacity to understand a struggle so foreign to their own experience.

When in doubt, the best way to support your infertile friend and maintain a healthy relationship with them through their struggle is simply by asking them – “how can I best support you right now, what do you need from me?” Remember, going through an infertility battle is not only hard, long, expensive, physically painful and mentally exhausting but it’s often described as unfathomable. This has recently become my favorite word to describe a battle with infertility; unfathomable. The concept that this is happening to your friend, their partner, their family, and their life is really hard for them to grasp, accept, and understand. I credit this to a society that raises children to be more terrified of teen pregnancy than how to observe, communicate and advocate for common health conditions that could prevent infertility in the first place. The lack of balance between preventing unwanted pregnancy and protecting future fertility is not part of main stream culture and is counter intuitive to truly understanding fertility odds and the reality that 1 in 6 couples struggle to conceive.

Infertility does not need to result in loss of relationships. Just because your friend cannot conceive right now, or without assistance, and you can, does not mean you cannot connect with each other. It may take a little extra work, creativity, and compassion but, if you really love your friend, you can help them weather this storm and come out stronger, together! You both want the same thing, and you can both support each other in your unique paths to motherhood.

So with that context, here is my list of “do not say” to your infertile friends, especially if you love them and want to make them feel better during their hardship.

1. Everything happens for a reason
   • This is harmful to those struggling to get pregnant because it’s hard to justify why horrible things happen to one person, and do not for the next. Maybe there eventually will be a “bigger reason” for all of your friend’s hardship but, there also might not be and so, it’s better to say “It is not fair that you are struggling. We are all dealt our own cards, and I commend you for handling yours the way that you are. No matter what happens, you will always be a valuable friend/person in my life and in the lives of others.”
2. I know a couple who did X, you should try that
   • If you’re not a doctor, please do not offer unsolicited medical advice. Most of the “woo-woo” stuff we hear about on the internet, in support groups, and through others, are not backed by scientific evidence and causes more harmful mental spiraling than helps provide a solution. Each couple is unique in their infertility diagnosis and no two protocols are the same. Trust me, if you (someone outside of the TTC community) have heard of something that your infertile friend should try, I can guarantee they have already heard it, spiraled about it, and talked to others about it. Instead, you can say “I am proud of you for advocating for what you and your partner think is best and working closely with your doctor to develop the best plan for you! Keep fighting the good fight.”
3. Relax
   • There is no amount of relaxing, vacations, red wine, or wild sex that is going to get your friend pregnant if they have a medical diagnosis as to why they are infertile. Relaxation doesn’t create quality sperm and eggs, it doesn’t fix hormone or thyroid levels, it doesn’t unblock fallopian tubes. Hence, we shouldn’t say it. This sentiment implies that your friend is responsible for their infertility by not appropriately handling their emotions, and that’s just not true. Instead, “How can I help you ease your mind and relax a little? I am sure you’re stressed out of your mind and I’d love to help you breathe a bit easier.”
4. When its your time it’ll happen
   • This is insensitive simply because we all hope and dream about certain milestones and timelines for our lives and usually, its not the infertile friends going through an IVF cycle who aren’t “ready.” Actually, these are the most ready and “ripe” of the bunch, as they have had the most time to plan, think, and intentionally try to start a family. Saying that it’s just “not their time” is cruel, because none of us have control over this stuff. Also, why was it your time instead of theirs? Again, it’s hard to justify things that are out of our control and are truly, a luck of the draw. Instead try, “Its extremely unfair that this is happening to you, how can I support you better?”
5. Once you give up, it’ll happen spontaneously
   • This isn’t true. Plain and simple. If you have a medical infertility diagnosis, “giving up” means your friend will continue to not get pregnant.. because again, they have a medical diagnosis. Instead try: “When you do become a mom, you’re going to be one of the best. Until then, I am here for you and love you nonetheless. “
6. Why don’t you just adopt?
   • Because it’s not “just” adopting: Adoption is COSTLY, can take years, and is a completely different path to parenthood that your friend may not want or feel comfy with yet. Adopted children are not consolation prizes to infertility.
7. You’ll love IVF because you can pick the gender and have twins
   • A great misconception is that IVF equals twins and gender selection, and both, are not always true. No one loves IVF, even if it seems like there is a perk to the process from an outsider’s point of view. Actually, twins are less likely due to advancements in science and medicine with a focus on forcing less high risk pregnancies.
8. Congratulations!
   • No. Please just don’t say this to anyone. IVF is not a happy reality for those who need to venture down this path. It may result in happy times, eventually, but, it’s not the road anyone wants to have to take. Instead, go with “I know this isn’t how you imagined becoming a mother. I will be here for you every step of the way.”
9. I’m so glad I don’t have to do IVF, I don’t know how you do it/I couldn’t do it.
   • You’re incredibly lucky you don’t have to. You’d be surprised what you are willing to do, when you do not have other options. Unless you are required to make that choice to have a family, you really can’t know what you would or wouldn’t do. Instead try, “I am proud of you for making the tough decision to move forward with IVF, it requires a special level of strength and determination to make hard decisions.”
10. It will all be worth it
    • It might be, it also might not be. IVF is not a catch-all for infertility, and it doesn’t work for everyone. Many couples leave IVF without a baby, insurmountable debt, a slew of irreversible mental health issues, lost relationships, and may other negative outcomes. Sometimes, even a baby, isn’t worth all of that. Instead say “Every step you take, is one step closer to your goal and until then, I am here. Outcome or not, your value as my friend has not changed and I will love you regardless.”

As someone who has endured years of infertility and failed treatments, I can confidently say that infertility can bring you closer to your friends and loved ones, just as easily as it can create a wedge. I hope that if you are the infertile friend, or the fertile friend, you can find a way to support one another and be kind; the journey to motherhood is unique for everyone and we can all use a little validation, empathy, and support.