How to Exist in the Online TTC Community Without Losing Your Own Mind

By: Erica Ferraro

Let’s face it, support groups can either be a blessing or a curse. The “trying to conceive” (TTC) is intimately familiar with this truth. Since embarking on our journey to parenthood, I’ve immersed myself in a myriad of online support groups, vibrant Facebook communities, engaging Instagram conversations, and more. They’re all mesmerizing in their own right. Yet, within their allure, a delicate equilibrium is crucial. Just as in real life, maintaining balance is paramount. Drawing from my own extensive experience as a seasoned traveler within this realm of the hopeful, desolate, anxious, raw, indignant, bewildered, and wounded, I’d like to share with you a collection of tried-and-true strategies and principles. These insights will enable you to extract the utmost benefit from the online TTC community while nurturing your mental well-being in the process.

1. Recognize that not all that glimmers online is genuine.
   • This pertains to the couple struggling to conceive who appears to have it all figured out, or the family that has welcomed their bundle of joy, projecting an image of utter perfection. Across all scenarios, it’s imperative to grasp that social media merely showcases the highlights of someone’s day. Beneath the surface, we all experience disagreements with our partners, moments of stress, lapses into despair, days where we’re dressed as if we’ve taken residence on the streets, and homes that are gloriously imperfect and messy. This is the essence of being human. You, in your entirety, are flawless just as you are.
2. Bear in mind that the TTC community harbors profound wounds and, candidly, a sense of resentment.
   • Amid the embrace of supportive and remarkable digital companions, it’s crucial to acknowledge that our convergence stems from a shared narrative that isn’t always born from joy. Your fellow TTC companions carry their own triggers and potentially traumatic experiences. The journey is marked by an array of medications and hormonal fluctuations that can sway emotions. Take care not to over analyze the words and actions of others. The path through infertility is a roller coaster, and at times, individuals might project these emotional fluctuations.
3. However, it’s important to set a boundary with anyone whose interaction intensifies your anxiety or distress about your personal voyage.
   • The tools of muting, deleting, and blocking are invaluable instruments and ought to be wielded when a connection proves detrimental to your mental equilibrium. If someone consistently inundates you with hurtful messages, demonstrates a lack of support, or persistently engages in disputes centered around fertility topics, remember that you possess every right to sever this link. Our shared struggles should not serve as an excuse for rudeness or disrespect.
4. Diversity defines the handling and navigation of IVF and the accompanying trauma of infertility.
   • And that’s perfectly acceptable. Our most potent contribution is in supporting our digital sisters in their chosen paths of processing the grief entwined with the journey through infertility.
5. Infertility isn’t contagious.
   • Avoid plunging into the mental trap of contrasting another’s setbacks against the potential for your own success. Most individuals experiencing triumphant IVF outcomes aren’t perpetually online sharing their tales; they’re living their dreams in the tangible world. I’ve observed that those who do share online tend to be those who’ve encountered prolonged IVF challenges or a more arduous route toward their longed-for miracle. It’s remarkably easy to be engulfed by pessimism and negativity regarding your own voyage. If certain content leaves you feeling excessively despondent, it might be prudent to mute that account.
6. Understand that treatment protocols vary for valid reasons; heed your physician’s guidance.
   • While I firmly advocate for active involvement in one’s healthcare, it’s crucial to comprehend that a choice like Lauren’s cousin’s friend opting for a Lupron flare doesn’t necessitate that the same approach will suit your antagonist protocol for egg retrieval. Lauren’s cousin’s friend may have different medical circumstances, age, BMI, or other factors unique to her. Information and awareness are invaluable, but the peril of comparison should be evaded. Question your doctor but don’t inundate yourself with comparisons.
7. Never forget, these individuals remain strangers.
   • Despite feeling a profound connection with the fellow warriors you encounter on the virtual landscape, exercise caution in divulging personal details, including your home address, unless you’ve established direct communication through speaking, video chats, or calls. Online deception and scams are real, obligating you to exercise sound judgment when connecting with online acquaintances.
8. Occasionally, these strangers blossom into true, real life friendships.
   • Remarkably, some of the women I engage with on a daily basis, who’ve evolved into genuine friends in my real life, emerged from the matrix of the online infertility community. Such beautiful connections can indeed materialize.
9. Stay abreast of TTC terminology!
   • The longer you remain engaged in these support groups and virtual discourse platforms, the more fertility-related acronyms you’ll encounter. If you find yourself in need of a little assistance, my article, Infertility Acronyms for the Newbies, catalogs the most frequently used acronyms.
10. Prioritize your own well-being.
    • Ultimately, if engaging with the online TTC community becomes a source of heightened stress rather than support, exercise the prerogative to establish boundaries. Perhaps you choose to follow only those fellow warriors with specific conditions or diagnoses that resonate with your journey. Alternatively, you might decide to nurture some of these virtual bonds further, progressing to in-person or virtual meetups. Your focus should revolve around what best aligns with your needs, and you should harbor no guilt in seeking what brings you inner tranquility.

Finally, a bonus tip: Acknowledge and embrace the inevitable transformation of multiple infertility accounts into narratives of pregnancy. The objective of infertility treatments is, of course, to embrace parenthood. Those who’ve dedicated immense effort to achieve pregnancy may not unfailingly affix “trigger warning” to each post or withhold their joyous accomplishments. Such an expectation would indeed be unrealistic. If we cannot celebrate the successes of our fellow infertility companions, then who can we truly celebrate for?

However you ultimately welcome your precious child, may you discover within the remarkable TTC community all the camaraderie, love, and support it so profoundly offers. Subsequently, I hope you’re inspired to extend this benevolence either forward or back to others who stand in need of it.