Boundary Setting 101

By: Erica Ferraro

Infertility often involves a delicate balance between personal boundaries. You may decide to keep certain aspects private or a secret – which is not the same thing.  Understanding the distinction between these concepts is crucial for individuals and couples navigating this sensitive terrain. However, from my personal experience, I strongly encourage openness to the best of your ability. Living in your truth is easier and more free-ing than hiding in your shame. Again, there is nothing shameful about infertility, especially with how common it is; you are not broken, and you deserve to share your journey as you see fit. 

Secrecy vs. Privacy: What’s the Difference?

Privacy:

• Definition: Privacy refers to the right to keep personal matters, such as medical information or fertility struggles, to oneself or within a trusted circle.
• Intent: It is a deliberate choice to limit access to certain aspects of one’s life. Privacy empowers individuals to decide what information they are comfortable sharing and with whom.

Secrecy:

• Definition: Secrecy, conversely, involves actively concealing information from others.
• Intent: Secrecy may stem from a desire to protect oneself emotionally, avoid judgment, or maintain a sense of control. However, it can lead to isolation and hinder emotional support.

Setting Boundaries: A Balancing Act

Self-Reflection:

• Before communicating boundaries, take time to reflect on your comfort levels and preferences regarding sharing infertility-related information.These preferences may change over time, depending on how long your infertility battle is, what challenges you encounter, and how involved your treatments become. And there is nothing wrong with that! Regularly check in to ensure your current boundaries best serve you and your family. 

Open Communication:

• With Your Partner: Discuss and establish a united front regarding what information you are comfortable sharing and with whom. Your partner may feel differently than you do, especially considering the reason for the infertility. Getting on the same page and finding a compromise that makes each partner feel supported and respected is critical.An example of this could be a couple who is suffering from male factor infertility. Perhaps the male partner does not want to share openly, while his female counterpart is struggling to finding support and connection. Perhaps she can respect what is shared with real-life friends and family but has the freedom to find online support and participate in support groups with others in the same boat—not being on the same page with what to share and when is a great topic to discuss during family counseling or therapy, too!
• With Friends and Family: Communicate your boundaries to close friends and family. Let them know how they can support you, and be clear about what you hope your relationship with them will be during your fertility journey. Refrain from expecting others to know what you need. We can only help our loved ones understand how to be our best support system through clear communication. Infertility is a complex topic that is fueled with much emotion and can quickly get taken out of context if not managed through clarity with others. YOU are the author of your own story; control the narrative.  
• Educate Others:Infertility can be a misunderstood topic. Educate those around you about the emotional challenges, medical complexities, and the importance of supporting you, however, that may look. 

Selective Sharing:

• Consider sharing information on a need-to-know basis. Only some people need every detail, and you have the right to decide what aspects of your journey are shared. However, should you want to share openly, go for it! Never feel shame in wanting to be public about your journey; you help more people than you know, even just by sharing within your community. Or hey, maybe you’ll want to start a blog or a podcast…who knows, perhaps you will write a book! There is no right way to navigate this. However, anyone who tells you that you should remain private or criticizes you for sharing is projecting their fears and insecurities. However you choose to share, own it with pride; you deserve it. 

Utilize Support Networks:

• Joining support groups or seeking counseling can provide a safe space to share experiences with others facing similar challenges, offering a sense of community without compromising personal boundaries. Many companies offer paid support groups with weekly cadences. At the same time, other free options include Facebook groups and Instagram chats, which you can find by following IVF/infertility accounts on these platforms. I have suggested some of my favorite programs, platforms and influencers on my website: http://www.movingmountainsformotherhood.com.

Navigating infertility challenges is a profoundly personal experience, and individuals may approach it differently. Cultivating empathy and understanding within your support network can foster a more compassionate environment. Remember, setting boundaries is an act of self-care and self-preservation, allowing you to navigate this journey with authenticity and resilience. It may look different from person to person, and there is nothing wrong either way if it makes you feel empowered: the badass warrior you already are!

My personal experience

For the longest time, I grappled with how to openly discuss our journey through infertility and the choices we were making. In a society that still shrouds alternate family-building options in secrecy, revealing our truth to others can feel like the most daunting task. This is especially true when the path to IVF isn’t straightforward, and alternative options must be considered.

Questions like, “Will they judge me? Will they judge my child? Will they gossip about us and perceive us differently?” crossed my mind. These questions may also cross yours, but here is the more crucial question: are YOU judging yourself? What internal narrative are you currently crafting? In my experience, what YOU believe about yourself and your situation ultimately shapes your reality. The sooner you embrace it, own it, and actively help shape how others perceive it, the faster you will realize that most of the time, people look to you for cues on how to react to the challenges of your life, and they respond accordingly.

Of course, this may not be true for everyone, but anyone who is not willing to listen and chooses to be unkind or judgmental from a place of malice represents an outlier and someone you should not overly concern yourself with. Instead, I am talking about most good, kind-hearted people who genuinely lack awareness. Instead, they turn to you to understand how they should respond to your unique circumstances. The power to influence how others treat you, react to you, and ultimately support you is within your grasp. Seize it, own it, and draw strength from it.

If you are amid a fertility struggle, this idea might initially seem overwhelming or unrealistic. As someone who had to reevaluate, reframe, and redefine every aspect of how I envisioned expanding our family, I can confidently attest to the truth of the above. I did not have this perspective initially. I needed time to mourn and throw myself a well-deserved pity party. Part of the grieving process is allowing yourself to grieve deeply. I have certainly mourned for the loss of my genetics, for the expectations of what my journey to parenthood “should be,” and most profoundly, for the naiveté of my younger self who never knew she had stage 3 endo and a slim chance of conceiving with her eggs.

I vividly recall the moment when I first confided in someone about our need for IVF to conceive. While supportive, she cautioned me, “You don’t have to tell anyone; it is no one’s business how you become pregnant.” She went on to warn, “Not everyone will understand, and some may judge you.” I pondered that sentiment for a while, and truthfully, it stirred up complex emotions. Although she correctly asserted that I did not “owe anyone anything,” I could not help but think, “But don’t I owe it to myself?” As someone who embarked on a non-linear path to pregnancy, I cannot express how much I did and still do deserve to claim and share the story of how my husband and I triumphed through the battle of our lives. If that makes someone else uncomfortable, then they need to follow Elsa’s advice and LET IT GO…because we certainly have! After experiencing what I can only describe as hell on earth, but emerging stronger for it, I can confidently say that “the cold never bothered me anyway!”

Guess what? You deserve it, too. Your choice to undergo IVF, use donor sperm or eggs, pursue embryo adoption, utilize a gestational carrier (or any combination of these options), and embrace your journey with fearless pride is an incredible display of strength, tenacity, determination, bravery, courage, and selflessness. If these are not qualities to be proud of, I do not know what is.

Furthermore, who will benefit from a woman embodying all these incredible qualities? Your children. Those little souls, destined to be yours, for whom you fought like a warrior. So, once again, take pride in your unique path to motherhood. You are a force to be reckoned with. You deserve to live your truth and have others applaud your strength. I promise that if you own it, share it, and use your uniqueness to educate others, they will almost always respond positively. I speak from personal experience; they will.

Here are some ways we have chosen to embrace our truth (Hi, I have stage 3 endo, no viable eggs, and we are using an egg donor to bring our beautiful children into the world):

• Opening up to family and friends: We have chosen to articulate our situation to loved ones in a way that communicates the issue and allows us to share our vulnerability. It is about conveying that “this is difficult, and I am sharing this from an emotional place.” For instance:
  • For Traditional IVF Scenarios: We wanted to share that we have decided to pursue IVF to build our family. I was recently diagnosed with [X], a medical condition that prevents unassisted pregnancy. This journey will be emotionally and physically demanding, and we sincerely appreciate your support and love as we navigate the complexities of fertility treatments. We cannot wait to embark on this next chapter of our lives!
  • For Donor/Embryo Adoption Scenarios: After careful consideration and discussions with our doctor, we have chosen to utilize egg/sperm/embryo donorship/adoption to realize our dream of becoming parents. It has been a long road of fertility treatments, and we have concluded that this is the best path for us to parenthood. We share this news excitedly, knowing that the odds are in our favor and our dreams have a greater chance of coming true. Without the generosity of our donor(s), parenthood would not be possible for us. So, I not only share this news with joy but with profound gratitude for those who selflessly choose this form of organ donation to unite parents with the children they were meant to have.
  • If you need a straightforward, basic way to explain infertility, in general, to a fertile person, you now have my baking analogy, which was discussed in a previous chapter.
• Connecting with others online: “Coming out” to real-life friends and family was liberating, but nothing compares to revealing your truth online and the support that awaits you in the TTC community. It is the one aspect of this journey I would not change for anything, and I am immensely grateful for it.
• Telling strangers as practice: This has been therapeutic and sometimes advantageous. Our IVF journey may come up as I engage in random conversations with strangers around town. It allows me to share our story, how I perceive it, and how they can view it. For example, I recently joined a new gym and explained to the personal trainer that my treatments and medications have placed some limitations on me. She generously offered a free personal training class, as she, too, went through IVF and understands how hard it is. Another instance was at the car dealership recently while signing a new lease. By sharing that finances have been tight due to IVF treatments and the purchase of donor eggs, the salesman revealed that he, too, went through IVF to have his two children and lowered our car payment by $65 per month. (Woohoo!) There have also been times when I have shared our choice to use donor eggs, and someone responds with, “Oh, I am so sorry!” I love these moments because they provide an opportunity for education. My response is always, “Don’t be sorry! We’re thrilled! This was the best path to parenthood for us, and we’re incredibly excited to be on this journey to our children after enduring a long and challenging experience.” After hearing this, I have yet to meet someone who has not responded with enthusiasm. Usually, they say, “Wow, congratulations, I have chills!”

Remember, you are the author of your story. Write it honestly, skillfully, and with pride. If you want your story to be told accurately and in the way you desire, it is up to you to shape, direct, and narrate it. If nothing else, it will teach your future children to love, accept, and own who they are, regardless of circumstances.

I hope these words uplift and motivate you, but most importantly, it encourages you to believe that most people are good, compassionate, and eager to support you. It takes a bit of explanation, confidence, and self-acceptance to bring them along on your journey. These qualities come naturally to the families who have weathered the harsh storms of IVF, and I speak from experience when I say that basking in your truth vs. hiding in your shame feels a million times better in the long run.

Your story may serve as a survival guide for someone else navigating their own battle, or at the very least; it may prevent them from encountering ignorance the next time they share their story with someone new. The more we educate others, the lighter the burden becomes for our future infertility sisters.

If not you, then who?